I came into this world knowing I was being pursued. First by my biological donor who, at one point held my family at gunpoint while I was a teenager as I talked him down over the phone. He stalked me through my senior year of high school and I joined the Army to find a safe space. It provided me the escape route I needed to survive long enough to plant seeds, spread roots, and thrive.
Yet, I would find another man pursuing me, then another, and another. Then a woman, and a man... it goes on and it was clear to me from the start it was a pattern in my life I needed to end. I was here to eliminate. Before I became aware of consciously Being in the world, let alone moving through the enlightenment process (aka individuation).
When I knowingly walked into the lair and trap set for me, two thousand years in the making, I felt confused and in dismay.
How could this energy be so revolting and so desirous at the same time?
How could I want something so badly it felt like a physical need that I would die without?
Every part of my life experience and education had led me to this point. On my 40th birthday I remember laying in the grass with The Devil and accepting all that was to come.
Break me.
Open me.
Free me.
I accepted this part of myself.
I sought to understand myself in its reflection. But all around me was darkness. And what was once wrong became right. What was once right became wrong. I was down the rabbit hole.
I said to It, "No matter what, I'll be OK."
Such foolish bravery. Such wise understanding of my Self.
Yet, I would find another man pursuing me, then another, and another. Then a woman, and a man... it goes on and it was clear to me from the start it was a pattern in my life I needed to end. I was here to eliminate. Before I became aware of consciously Being in the world, let alone moving through the enlightenment process (aka individuation).
When I knowingly walked into the lair and trap set for me, two thousand years in the making, I felt confused and in dismay.
How could this energy be so revolting and so desirous at the same time?
How could I want something so badly it felt like a physical need that I would die without?
Every part of my life experience and education had led me to this point. On my 40th birthday I remember laying in the grass with The Devil and accepting all that was to come.
Break me.
Open me.
Free me.
I accepted this part of myself.
I sought to understand myself in its reflection. But all around me was darkness. And what was once wrong became right. What was once right became wrong. I was down the rabbit hole.
I said to It, "No matter what, I'll be OK."
Such foolish bravery. Such wise understanding of my Self.
What was in orderly array, I now destroyed. Pursued in my psyche, hunted in my life, I began knocking down walls, throwing over tables. Slamming doors. Pulling books and papers carefully organized and throwing them everywhere. Tearing pages out of books (sacrilegious, for me). Running down empty corridors and into rooms long abandoned.
This THING won't own me. Won't claim me. Can't have me.
I withered. I stopped moving.
I hid from the outer world and hid in my inner.
Nowhere was safe.
It looked through what I tore apart. Studying what was. Looking for what I was hiding.
The Golden Jewel.
My Crown.
MY CROWN!
I attempted to reason with It. To make peace and find harmony between It and I. I deeply DESIRED for it to work -- 'make love, not war,' 'don't judge,' 'whatever you are seeking, is seeking you,' 'this says more about me than it does you,' 'I'm projecting,' the list of self abuse and sabotage goes on. And, as much as It tried to join with me, It didn't understand respect and so, I began to understand how it feels to be dissed. It was so incredibly elusive to me in all the years before. I didn't see it. I was conditioned not to see it. That was until it was so IN MY FACE and shredding my soul, I couldn't ignore it and put it aside.
I learned discernment (dis -- EARN -- IT).
I closed the door and said, I am WORTHY.
This THING won't own me. Won't claim me. Can't have me.
I withered. I stopped moving.
I hid from the outer world and hid in my inner.
Nowhere was safe.
It looked through what I tore apart. Studying what was. Looking for what I was hiding.
The Golden Jewel.
My Crown.
MY CROWN!
I attempted to reason with It. To make peace and find harmony between It and I. I deeply DESIRED for it to work -- 'make love, not war,' 'don't judge,' 'whatever you are seeking, is seeking you,' 'this says more about me than it does you,' 'I'm projecting,' the list of self abuse and sabotage goes on. And, as much as It tried to join with me, It didn't understand respect and so, I began to understand how it feels to be dissed. It was so incredibly elusive to me in all the years before. I didn't see it. I was conditioned not to see it. That was until it was so IN MY FACE and shredding my soul, I couldn't ignore it and put it aside.
I learned discernment (dis -- EARN -- IT).
I closed the door and said, I am WORTHY.
Detox was painful. I wanted to die. The craving...
Oh, the CRAVING... I could taste it on my lips, the longing.
The desire.
I was in dis-array. My bodied dis-eased. Wanting the orgasmic bliss It gave so readily.
I needed to say yes. I NEEDED It to die.
I persevered. I began crawling out of the hole I'd slid into so easily.
Just.
One.
Bite.
That's all it took. Our deceiver, our greatest teaching, comes from our darkest desires, and just one bite is all it takes for temptation to hook us...
Down.
down.
down.
On my knees praying, belly flat to the Earth in supplication begging to be freed. Begging to be free.
One step.
Then another.
And, another.
They all add up. They all add UP!
I looked for my Guides but they were still silent as the reckless endangerment called for me, pulling me to return. I was blind but knew the way out was away from THAT.
The way In, was honoring myself, respecting myself, and turning away from dissing myself with the choices I was making.
Sobriety becomes easier the further from the addiction/affliction/codependency we move from. Yet, It still lingers with shadowy fingers waiting like hooks.
It shows up. Pushing on edges until I throw down the gauntlet and say, 'I'm ready to face this thing.'
This It.
This affliction that is meant to destroy me, intent on consuming me as one of its puppets on a string. It desires my Medicine, my Magic, the Power within me.
Face to face on the New Moon.
"What do you See?" I ask. Cloaked in innocence. Shadowed in Darkness.
"Light," It says.
"Oh, you see me." I say.
"Of course," It says.
Games. All games and lies.
It walks away and I hear, "Like taking candy from a baby" and I know, It doesn't really See. It can't know me.
I turn away. Distant. It's there on the periphery poking now and again. "Are you there, 'Friend?' I need to feed."
Oh, the CRAVING... I could taste it on my lips, the longing.
The desire.
I was in dis-array. My bodied dis-eased. Wanting the orgasmic bliss It gave so readily.
I needed to say yes. I NEEDED It to die.
I persevered. I began crawling out of the hole I'd slid into so easily.
Just.
One.
Bite.
That's all it took. Our deceiver, our greatest teaching, comes from our darkest desires, and just one bite is all it takes for temptation to hook us...
Down.
down.
down.
On my knees praying, belly flat to the Earth in supplication begging to be freed. Begging to be free.
One step.
Then another.
And, another.
They all add up. They all add UP!
I looked for my Guides but they were still silent as the reckless endangerment called for me, pulling me to return. I was blind but knew the way out was away from THAT.
The way In, was honoring myself, respecting myself, and turning away from dissing myself with the choices I was making.
Sobriety becomes easier the further from the addiction/affliction/codependency we move from. Yet, It still lingers with shadowy fingers waiting like hooks.
It shows up. Pushing on edges until I throw down the gauntlet and say, 'I'm ready to face this thing.'
This It.
This affliction that is meant to destroy me, intent on consuming me as one of its puppets on a string. It desires my Medicine, my Magic, the Power within me.
Face to face on the New Moon.
"What do you See?" I ask. Cloaked in innocence. Shadowed in Darkness.
"Light," It says.
"Oh, you see me." I say.
"Of course," It says.
Games. All games and lies.
It walks away and I hear, "Like taking candy from a baby" and I know, It doesn't really See. It can't know me.
I turn away. Distant. It's there on the periphery poking now and again. "Are you there, 'Friend?' I need to feed."
I know It's supply is low. Feasting on the dead to live. Wandering through graveyards stealing what's left. Wearing cremated ash on It's face to glorify It's journey into the night. To celebrate the starving waves of hunger pains as It withers, as if clinging to life on a vine.
Now, It hungers.
And oh, how It craves.
Broken. The Hunter now the haunted.
I linger watching.
Listening for the soft wind delicately crossing over rose petals.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Just a hush.
When It returned, I offered grace and understanding. Compassion and kindness.
Then, the truth began to reveal It Self behind the high vibration facade lay madness and a darkness shrouded in deals to retain power.
To steal and bind.
To fabricate and subterfuge.
Now, It hungers.
And oh, how It craves.
Broken. The Hunter now the haunted.
I linger watching.
Listening for the soft wind delicately crossing over rose petals.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Just a hush.
When It returned, I offered grace and understanding. Compassion and kindness.
Then, the truth began to reveal It Self behind the high vibration facade lay madness and a darkness shrouded in deals to retain power.
To steal and bind.
To fabricate and subterfuge.
I SEE you clearly now and I am NOT your whore.
I close and seal the door.
Ending the chapter.
I no longer hunger.
And am hunted no more.
I close and seal the door.
Ending the chapter.
I no longer hunger.
And am hunted no more.
